A love only a daughter can teach you.

My daughter and I have a pleasantries routine. we are accustomed to pleasantries so much in a world where they no longer matter. We tell each other “good morning”, “goodnight”, “have a good day”, “you’re welcome”, “am sorry”, “thank you” and best of all “I love you”, so often that when someone outside of our small world compliments it, am taken a-back at how much those small things matter. There was a time I didn’t think I deserved to be her mother. My spirit was broken, and I was in such a dark place, I thought she could see it. Maybe she could, I can never know, she was only 3 and 1/2 years old, she must have wondered what the fuss was about. I was afraid of being her mother, I was afraid of passing my anger and bitterness on to her, I was afraid of letting her down, when I was the one person, she needed the most. I was afraid someone else could do a better job with her than me. Somehow for a short period of time, I let my insecurities let her down. But I picked myself up soon enough and have always done right by her since then.

The first months after I left her father were hard for both of us. We quarreled, had silent battles with each other, sometimes I would shout at her for the smallest mistakes. I would feel like we wouldn’t make it far and I was scared I would scar her. Slowly we got into sync with our new life and we settled. To say we have grown would be an understatement, we have evolved sounds more like it. We are new beings, we have embraced our true selves, we are happy, we live in our own small haven. Am in awe of how far we have come. We have found love in each other and in those that have really mattered, we have realized we are more loved than we thought, most of all we have realized that we are enough for each other just the way we are. She talks to me the way every mother wishes their child would talk to them, to open up about the smallest of things. She lets me know what she wants, she is honest about how she feels, she is open about her fears and likes, she lets me into her small world. She also listens, in a way I never thought a child could. I let her be the child she is, but I also teach her responsibility will be a part of her life.

A few weeks ago, I celebrated my birthday, and among the birthday wishes, was a friend who told me, ‘Sharlene was lucky to have me’. I think that was the best thing someone had told me in a long time. Mainly because it felt so uplifting to have someone acknowledge I was doing a great job at parenthood. The universe gave me a small replica of myself, I see myself so much in her and it makes it easier to raise her. It’s like having the chance to equip her to be a better human and to be able to tackle life better than I have. We make it easy despite the ups and downs, and we make it lively. Today as I write this down, am not only happy but proud of being her mother. Am grateful to this universe for letting me share life with her. I spend my days with her making them as special as they be so that we both experience happiness when we can. Today when we say ‘I love you’ to each other, I know deep down it’s true. We don’t just say it because it’s a routine, we say it because we feel it. Sometimes she even adds ‘so so much’ to her ‘I love you’, and its superbly special.

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